Campaign Speech for Chairman of the United Igbo Congress, USA

Podium courtesy of Faqs

Ladies and Gentlemen;

I would like to use this opportunity to salute my campaign managers Uzontiri Ijemere, Nchamere Nd'Igbo, Adannaya Okwuchukwu, Chidubem Udumotali, Otapiapia Ohiaukwu, Magnus Ibezim Onumaraekwu, Jacob "Nwa-Jesu" Garagara and uncountable others who had made this august event possible.

I would also like to thank my wife Lolo Adaure Nwanyioma and my children for their support.

I thank the Almighty God for all his mercies;

Now pay attention and listen to me carefully. I am talking to you from the bottom of my heart that if you vote for me I will make the life of my people better and I will ensure the effectiveness of transparency and accountability. You all know my track record. I am a man of few words, and I believe in action, action and action.

I need your vote and I believe in myself and I do not doubt your capacity to help turn things around in Igbo Diaspora and homeland when you give me your vote,
because I will be working together with you
and every penny will be accounted for.

You will elect me because I will watch your back
You will elect me because I have engaged in many morally outraged activities with most of you, if not all
So elect me and we can cover our ass to avoid any sex scandals and what we do behind closed doors at the strip joints;
You will elect me because I will defend all extramarital affair by way of attacking our enemies who snitch to our wives.
You will elect me because we have too much weird stuff and skeletons in our closets, and all that games we play is going to backfire on us if you don't vote for me.

But it is not only about covering our ass that I ask for your vote.
I will change the way business is conducted in Igboland;
I will make sure that more roads are built.
I will make sure there will be no more interruption of power supply in our communities.

I will build more American standard hospitals in our respective enclaves;
I will build more schools
I will help the poor and the elderly with bags of rice and anu ewu, goat meat
And school will be free at all levels if you elect me
I will build libraries and research centers in every district;
And jobs will be everywhere
There will be no more misery

For our roads to function effectively, I will construct more storm drains
I will provide a whole lot of job opportunities for our youths

I will ban homosexuals from our society
I will ban same sex marriage to be punishable by sex with the opposite;
I will encourage marrying as many wives as possible
I will encourage having uncountable concubines, like King Solomon

If you elect me I will encourage my wife to try other men in order to make it even
I will drink more akanaeme, spirits and the magani, pills that takes me to another level on bed.
I will make life easier with lots of enjoyment
I will revive bongo
with plenty of women
It is now a free world

[the crowd cuts in yelling: what makes you think you are qualified to be chairman with all the nonsense you are spewing?]

Yes, I am the most qualified
I have confessed my sins
I have been forgiven and life starts anew
I am the Omemgbeoji 1, Ishimiri 1, Ori ewu na azi 1, sir, chief, doctor, engineer, architect, accountant, PhD and Onyiriuwa 1 of Ugwumagala.

I have First School Leaving Certificate (FSLC), West African School Certificate (WASC), BA, BSc, MA, and another PhD in talkology;
I also have a degree in lootology and pornographic studies.

[he forgets to include driver as one of his haul of titles and degrees]

I am the man of the hour and our finest hour is an election away
I will make each and everyone of you chief and whatever title that you choose
I will not embezzle any of your funds
You all know I already have money and I have proof
I have mansions everywhere
I have fleet of cars in my garages -- home and abroad

I will establish an institute of ethnic African studies here in the United States to encourage and promote African cultural heritage.

I am asking for your votes because I am the only one who can make things happen in our communities.

I have balls and that is the reason why you should elect me;
I am a fervent believer in collectivity which ultimately leads to utopia meaning you must elect me because working together works.
I will not seek nku ukwa, the crumbs from the caliphates in Abuja for I shall demand a probe of the affairs of state in Igbo related states.

I will probe every unbecoming conduct within the Igbo elite
I will bring back the fold of Igbo Union; the days of profound leadership in Michael Okpara, Mbonu Ojike, Nwafor Orizu, K.O. Mbadiwe, Francis Akanu Ibiam, L.N. Obioha, Louis Mbanefo and the rest.

I am the great communicator
I will knock on the doors of every household to find out about the goings on
I will not be caught sleeping with my best friend's wife even if I had the intention to or even if I did.

Like Mohandas Gandhi, I will fight for your liberation from bondage;
Like Martin Luther King, Jr., I will take you to the mountain top;
Like the Chief Priest, Fela Kuti, I will use everything within my reach to fight the establishment against injustice and oppression;
Like Peter Tosh, I will author and sponsor a proposition to legalize goof, Indian hemp, for its medicinal purposes;
And like President Barack Obama, it is a new dawn and change will come to our communities

For all you naysayers who called me a thug and imbecile;
take a look at the previous leaderships
They screwed your wives, bragged and told their friends about it
They poisoned their minds
They are a wicked people
They forced your daughters into prostitution because of their vulnerability
They screwed your live-in partner because you had no money to pay for her abortion
They took advantage of you for being handicapped
They exploited you in every aspect of life

You swore not to tell anybody
You have destroyed yourself despite my efforts
to scrap the stubborn layers of fat around your mind
I told you I will come back and lead
There are no leaders but me
I am God and you must elect me if you really want change

How soon do you forget
they raped your women
they desperately starved your children to death
they demolished and plundered your homes
And you did nothing

You now dine and wine with them
the evil that destroyed your entire household
you have forgotten so soon
the bigotry and hatred
And how can you forget such an atrocity

So you must elect me to fight for you
I am pulling you to be up
The next generations must know about it
Because it is all that you have
you must keep the records intact

for their awareness
And never to happen again
If it repeats
the price will be high, and
the consequences more ominous

Well that ends my speech and I do hope some lessons would be learned not just for me being elected or any other thing but for a change in our respective communities which borders on what I earlier said about building community through collectivity. I have seen it all and I also believe the change is now or we will perish as a people.


Anonymous said…
This is funny, realistic and a classic.
Anonymous said…
This is funny, realistic and a classic.
Anonymous said…
This is funny, realistic and a classic.
Ebere said…
Nwannaa keep hammering them maybe they will listen.
Ardis said…
This is deep, man!
Adanna said…
Ambros when are you going to start writing your book? We can't wait.
Anonymous said…
Fiction at its best
Anonymous said…
Fiction at its best
Anonymous said…
The dilemma of the Igbo people cannot be better captured.
Junior said…
I weep for the Igbo people
Diva said…
Ambrose you forgot to mention thelazy men in our midst who rely on their wife's paycheck. Tell them to go and get a job.
ODM said…
Anonymous said…
superb and good read!
Daniel said…
How about getting the wifey to strip for us, maybe that will help us all get over being in exile. "AYE."
Anonymous said…
Quite telling and I enjoyed it.